Fit and Unfit

In one of those weird twists of fate my older brother, Johnny, a senior police officer, decides to sign up for the trip. He is very fit, goes skiing regularly, and is always entering running competitions like The Great North Run and The London Marathon. When I mention to Johnny I’ve been invited on the trip he thinks it’s ‘a great opportunity’. Like everyone else, he says I’ll have to ‘Bulk up’. If anyone says that to me again I will tell them to ‘Shut Up’ but, I guess, he’s just thinking of my welfare.
However, he is not so sure quite what our parents will think. “Fifty per cent of their offspring will be in the Arctic!” he laughs.
Luckily, I have another brother and sister in Britain where I have just heard we are on high security alert.
“Johnny, given all your experience in the force, do you really think it’s more dangerous where we’re going than staying in Britain?”
He has dealt with a few nasty murders and hit men cases in his time.
He shakes his head.
“The dangers will be very different where we’re going.”
At least he can bring my Ashes back.
Our parents, meanwhile, have had a dispute over whether we are travelling to the Arctic or Antarctic. My mother, a former nurse, has her own tip for me. “You should start taking some Complan to build yourself up.”
Like a good daughter I dutifully check out some Complan products and discover that their ‘Shakes’ are for ‘patients at risk of disease related malnutrition’.